Monday, November 26, 2012

fn(life) = sin(everything)

When I first started at Goldman, people always told me that the trading floor was the King of highs and lows.  From day one of my first internship, the quintessential words of wisdom were, When you have a great day, you're on top of the world, but when things go bad you'll never want to come back again.  By day two, I was saying it too.  Two thousand days later, I realize I should have been saying, No shit, Sherlock.  It's called life.

Staring into the deep, dark abyss of building a life in a different country, my first foray into cohabitation, and setting up a new business, the trading floor looks less like the King and more like the Court Jester of highs and lows.  I mean, we're entering uncharted territory with the scale and dimension of the ups and downs of life these days.

I kind of like this list thing, so instead of blabbing on and on about what's been going on, here are a few of the highs from the weekend:

  • Brainstorming how to make our first General Assembly events and classes in Hong Kong happen.  The possibilities are endless and seeing other people get as excited about this as I have been for months is thrilling, validating, inspiring, all at once.
  • TEDx Hong Kong - I went with a few new friends here, saw awesome ass speakers from the second row, met a lot of incredible people, and had great conversations on how social media can spur spontaneous acts of social good.  It renewed my faith in people's inherent positivity and desire to connect with each other.
  • Selling donated Christmas gifts and housewares at a volunteer holiday bazaar and seeing how hard people will work to help others.  Also, totally arbitrarily pulling prices out of my ass, and getting to be on the other side of bargaining with Chinese people.  
  • Stopping by an awesome (and amazingly tiny) speakeasy type bar in Sheung Wan on Saturday night where an intimate and appropriately buzzing crowd is huddled around candles, bottles of red wine, and a small group of musicians jamming on some Johnny Cash.
  • Finally getting a phone and a permanent number!  Add me on Whatsapp and Viber pleaaase.
Quickly followed by some deep lows:
  • Realizing my boyfriend is probably really sick of hanging out with me, but I don't really have anyone else to call to hang out on Saturday night.
  • Facing how incredibly lame I am because I am so fucking tired by 11pm on Saturday night that I don't know if I would even want to call anyone else to hang out.
  • Trying to figure out how I am going to spend my time every day, and realizing that I have no structure whatsoever but a million things to do and it's all up to me which is great but hugely intimidating and sometime results in complete paralysis.
  • Living together is scary and means you can't hide any of those silly little things you used to do on your own that nobody could judge you for.  Like reading Perez Hilton, or staying in your PJ's all day, or just staring at the ceiling for an inappropriately but oddly satisfying long time.
  • No matter how hard I try, I just don't understand how to use hashtags -- and why the fuck can't I watch Hulu here!?!

At the end of the day, I know it's all good stuff.  Yes, I know how lucky I am.  And yes, I do love life.  But sometimes it still feels like everything sucks, I'm never going to figure all of this out, and I am a fool for trying.  And the worst part is that talking about it really doesn't seem to make any of it better, because all anyone can say is, That's how life is.  To which I would still like to reply, No shit, Sherlock.  But who can blame them - I guess I don't know what else to say or do about it either.  I just have to embrace it and buckle up for a particularly bumpy ride for a little while.